I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
