so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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