we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
