I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
