I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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