how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
