I accidentally had phone sex last night
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
