But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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