24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
where are my eyebrows?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
