the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
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I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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