Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
