He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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