I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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