I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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