I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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