When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
