i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
