when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
