Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
