the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
