I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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