I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
