Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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