apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You need Xanax blowdarts
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
