no, he came in my armpit
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
