this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
