just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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