Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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