She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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