i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
