i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I will be naked everywhere
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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