Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
