I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
3pm strippers are depressing
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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