and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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