Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
