Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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