Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
