i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I could fuck to npr.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
