she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
