just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
