I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
