I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
