Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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