You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
