thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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