It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
