There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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