Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
