Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
