Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
