Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
