I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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