She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
