the new term for farting is butt boxing.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
