what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
