my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
