can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
